Thoughts

Ok so I was thinking today that Alexis is 6! Six people. She is going into 1st grade and I feel like tomorrow she will probably be going on her first date and I will wonder what happened! Kaia is 4 and starting her 2nd year of preschool.  She is best buds with Alexis and wants to do and go where ever Alexis goes which is hard sometimes when Alexis goes to a friends house and Kaia doesn't get to go.  Hannah is stuck in between at 2 1/2. She starts preschool with Kaia in the fall and she is so ready.  She is sometimes included with her big sisters and more often left behind, part of this is because she is my bully.  She is the first to pinch and hit and pull hair, but also the first to run and hug and give kisses to someone who is hurt or crying, except when crying is caused by her. Hannah plays very well with her little brother though when she is excluded or she loves to be my sidekick , which I love most of the time.  Austin, my baby, is growing far to fast.  He is over a year old. He loves his dad, he loves me too, but the majority of the time, he chooses his dad to hold him or comfort him or to play with.  This is hard for me because ALL of my girls chose me over James in pretty much any situation up to the age of 2.  It usually started to balance out after that although when ever one of my girls is hurt 9 out of 10 times they cry for mommy to comfort them.  Austin, my baby, is different and has been pretty much since he could reach out and let us know his preference.  This breaks my heart a little because he is my last baby and he is the boy I have been hoping for since I first found out I was pregnant 7 years ago.  I am happy though that my son and husband already have a close bond, one that I hope continues to grow and blossum throughout his life.

Alexis is sassy and kind and while she drives me crazy with her disobedience and back talk she is also quick to apologize with out being told to and can be reasoned with most of the time.  She can throw wicked tantrums when she wants to and I mean I am waiting to hear CPS knocking on the door because she is screaming like she is being mauled by a bear.  She is a big helper and helps change Austins diaper and get her siblings breakfast.  She wipes down the kitchen table and can read and loves to draw and dance and do tumbling and write and play with her friends.  She talks about getting married and having babies with excitement which requires lots of questions that I have to answer.  Too many questions. :) We have already had "THE talk" with her and it went very well.  She is so curious, like her mother was, and so inquisitive, like her father.  Not my two favorite traits together but it allows for a lot of teaching and learning moments. She is very independent and outgoing. Such a talkative and friendly girl with adults and strangers (not my favorite).  She has a memory that astounds me all the time.  The girl remembers people and information with such detail that I am amazed constantly.  She loves her family and is full of imagination. She is the girl I lay next to at night and we tell each other made up silly stories before going to sleep.  She has a great belly laugh and is a little mother hen.  She loves to camp and be goofy and loud.  She is cautious and protective.

Kaia to be continued.... it's not letting me save for later so I'm posting now and will have to finish later.

Ahh silly life.

So this morning I'm cleaning the kitchen and I can hear Kaia playing with barbies in her bedroom and it reminds me of my sister and I playing with barbies for hours when we were kids and it makes me smile.  Hannah is outside in the back playing with Max, who she loves, more than any of the other kids that girl loves our dog, but every time he licks her she runs in crying that she needs he arm washed or her hand and then she runs back out and says, "NO, Max! No lick-a me.".  Ha ha ha that girl cracks me up.  They are both so content to just do their own thing.  Austin is crawling around back and forth between watching Hannah and watching me.  Soon Kaia goes outside to join Hannah and then Austin sits by the window and screeches at them through the window.  It is moments like this I truly take pleasure in.  When there is peace and happiness and laughter instead of fighting and bickering which I'm sure will come inevitably but ah these moments are awesome!  They are the moments that remind me of why I have chosen to be a stay at home mom.  I am so grateful to be able to watch my kids grow and play and teach them and experience life through their eyes.

I've had a rough week but already the sun is shining again which is not to say all is well but all will be well and this knowledge and the Lord will get me through the dark days that are sure to come occaisionally ahead.  Nothing short of a miracle has what has gotten me from where I was at the start of this week to where I am and I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has given me an oppurtunity to experience it.  As I look back at the last few months of my life I can see that He has actually been preparing me for this week and that is a wonderful thing to realize His love for me to help me through this trial.

A good day!

...

Wracked with torment...I dont think I ever appreciated and understood what that truly meant until today.   I can say now that I know all to intimately what it feels like to have your soul wracked with torment.  Oh and it sucks.  Oh there is plenty to be thankful for and things that bring me joy but one day you are doing fine and you think you have a preety good grasp on your life and what it has been and is and will be and then BAM! You knew and know nothing.  I'm sure there is plenty that is what it has always seemed, but there is this doubt, and I apologize if this is dark and the few people who may read this are going ??? but this is my day today and I'm sure tomorrow or a future tomorrow will bring more light but today is dark.  So this is my rant and I won't be defining the problem so feel free to stop reading now.  I also have never relalized how anger and pain can comsume you but I am consumed and I hate it.  One thing can change so much and I wish I could run away and escape and just disappear but I feel trapped like I can never leave again.  How can you love and hate so much all at the same time? Thankfully I know the Lord is here for me and can take this from me and is probably the only one that can bring peace and comfort into my life again at this point, but if I'm not ready to accept that peace...

Already today I've lost my patience too many times with the kids and it is days like this I appreciate a childs short memory and ability to forgive so easily.  Hugging them and playing with them helps and when I apologize and tell them mommy is sorry she yelled and that I love them; hearing their I love you back and mommy don't be sad and then lets play, like all has been forgotten makes me apprecite them all over again.  I understand why we should be childlike in so many ways but man it is so hard.   I know in my head that I will probably look back at this one day and see the benefit of this trial but today I am in it and it is only the beginning and I don't want to be here.  

I propably, although I can't say for sure because who really can be sure, won't ever post on this subject again and no one may ever know there has ever been  a day like this in my life but it is certainly true that you NEVER KNOW what goes on in a persons life so I will do my best to never judge again.  From here on out it will be back to the kids, who I love and adore and appreciate more than anything in this world and my "normal" life and family updates.  The things that bring me joy and my silver linings on the dark cloud that has intruded on my once blissfully sunny minimally cloudy life.

Until a future tommorrow....this helped a lot today.