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Wracked with torment...I dont think I ever appreciated and understood what that truly meant until today.   I can say now that I know all to intimately what it feels like to have your soul wracked with torment.  Oh and it sucks.  Oh there is plenty to be thankful for and things that bring me joy but one day you are doing fine and you think you have a preety good grasp on your life and what it has been and is and will be and then BAM! You knew and know nothing.  I'm sure there is plenty that is what it has always seemed, but there is this doubt, and I apologize if this is dark and the few people who may read this are going ??? but this is my day today and I'm sure tomorrow or a future tomorrow will bring more light but today is dark.  So this is my rant and I won't be defining the problem so feel free to stop reading now.  I also have never relalized how anger and pain can comsume you but I am consumed and I hate it.  One thing can change so much and I wish I could run away and escape and just disappear but I feel trapped like I can never leave again.  How can you love and hate so much all at the same time? Thankfully I know the Lord is here for me and can take this from me and is probably the only one that can bring peace and comfort into my life again at this point, but if I'm not ready to accept that peace...

Already today I've lost my patience too many times with the kids and it is days like this I appreciate a childs short memory and ability to forgive so easily.  Hugging them and playing with them helps and when I apologize and tell them mommy is sorry she yelled and that I love them; hearing their I love you back and mommy don't be sad and then lets play, like all has been forgotten makes me apprecite them all over again.  I understand why we should be childlike in so many ways but man it is so hard.   I know in my head that I will probably look back at this one day and see the benefit of this trial but today I am in it and it is only the beginning and I don't want to be here.  

I propably, although I can't say for sure because who really can be sure, won't ever post on this subject again and no one may ever know there has ever been  a day like this in my life but it is certainly true that you NEVER KNOW what goes on in a persons life so I will do my best to never judge again.  From here on out it will be back to the kids, who I love and adore and appreciate more than anything in this world and my "normal" life and family updates.  The things that bring me joy and my silver linings on the dark cloud that has intruded on my once blissfully sunny minimally cloudy life.

Until a future tommorrow....this helped a lot today.